My Anxiety Made Me Stronger
(My annual #BellLetsTalk Facebook Post)
I.This will be my last Facebook message for a little while. I've decided that the best way to improve my health is to subtract and not add. I am very happy in life and I don't need to add more to it. I've already eliminated my Instagram account and both of my Facebook pages (Ottawa Gym Critic & Bien-être urbain). I could of just quietly stopped using FB but I've decided to share my story before my FB break/perhaps departure. I've noticed that every time I share my story, it usually inspires someone to get help or to open up about their situation.The more we talk about mental health the more it'll become ''normal'' to seek professional help. If you're still with me, thank you!
II.This is the story of how my anxiety actually made me stronger.
III. September 2014: My first official anxiety attack
It was debilitating. It happened during parent/teacher night. I had done presentations like this for 10 years now. I was embarrassed. Why did it have to happen in front of all the parents? Why is this happening to me? I'm in good health. I ran 21 kms in 97 minutes. I can bench press and squat 225 lbs. I play hockey and soccer. Anxiety doesn't discriminate. I was physically healthy. I didn't have enough tools in my toolbox to take care of my mental health. I couldn't breathe or speak. I excused myself and made my way to another room trying to catch my breath. A colleague of mine tried to help. I told her I was O.K. I wasn't. I was hoping that I could go back in my classroom and finish the presentation. I only had about 20 minutes left to go. I couldn't. At first, I thought I was having a heart attack. The ambulance was called. Many of my colleagues were worried. I am forever grateful for having them as my colleagues. The custodian at my school calls my wife. Thank you! I got on the ambulance. They did a bunch of tests. They determined it wasn't my heart and that I was having an anxiety attack. A colleague of mine was there with me. I vaguely remember him trying to reassure me but I don't remember. I just remember being happy that someone came with me. I wasn't alone. You never are. He stayed at the hospital until my wife showed up. I miss him (he's retired...congratulations). My wife and I wait for hours and hours. At the time, this was the most scared I've ever been in my life. I just want to go home. My wife insists we stay but I'm too stubborn to listen. We leave. In retrospect, that was a mistake. I learn many years after that they could have given me medication to help with anxiety had I stayed.
It was debilitating. It happened during parent/teacher night. I had done presentations like this for 10 years now. I was embarrassed. Why did it have to happen in front of all the parents? Why is this happening to me? I'm in good health. I ran 21 kms in 97 minutes. I can bench press and squat 225 lbs. I play hockey and soccer. Anxiety doesn't discriminate. I was physically healthy. I didn't have enough tools in my toolbox to take care of my mental health. I couldn't breathe or speak. I excused myself and made my way to another room trying to catch my breath. A colleague of mine tried to help. I told her I was O.K. I wasn't. I was hoping that I could go back in my classroom and finish the presentation. I only had about 20 minutes left to go. I couldn't. At first, I thought I was having a heart attack. The ambulance was called. Many of my colleagues were worried. I am forever grateful for having them as my colleagues. The custodian at my school calls my wife. Thank you! I got on the ambulance. They did a bunch of tests. They determined it wasn't my heart and that I was having an anxiety attack. A colleague of mine was there with me. I vaguely remember him trying to reassure me but I don't remember. I just remember being happy that someone came with me. I wasn't alone. You never are. He stayed at the hospital until my wife showed up. I miss him (he's retired...congratulations). My wife and I wait for hours and hours. At the time, this was the most scared I've ever been in my life. I just want to go home. My wife insists we stay but I'm too stubborn to listen. We leave. In retrospect, that was a mistake. I learn many years after that they could have given me medication to help with anxiety had I stayed.
IV. The following days, weeks and months...
It once took me 6 hours to get a cast on my broken finger/badly bruised hand but it took me 6 months to get help for my anxiety. Not because I didn't want it. I kept asking for it. In the meanwhile, my doctor gave me medication in case I have another anxiety attack. That wasn't helpful for the day to day reality of dealing with anxiety but it felt good to know that I could take it if necessary. I needed to see a psychiatrist in order to receive my current medication (that I've been taking ever since). 6 months later, I meet my psychiatrist. He enumerated many reasons why I have anxiety:
- I ignored many warnings.
- I drink too much coffee.
- I ran way too much to a point that wasn't healthy anymore (half-marathons and full marathons). It became my job. I had lost my passion.
- I had too much on the go and I want to control everything.
I left extremely happy knowing the reason why this was happening to me. He also offered me good advice. 1) You can't control the rain. 2) 80% is good enough.
It once took me 6 hours to get a cast on my broken finger/badly bruised hand but it took me 6 months to get help for my anxiety. Not because I didn't want it. I kept asking for it. In the meanwhile, my doctor gave me medication in case I have another anxiety attack. That wasn't helpful for the day to day reality of dealing with anxiety but it felt good to know that I could take it if necessary. I needed to see a psychiatrist in order to receive my current medication (that I've been taking ever since). 6 months later, I meet my psychiatrist. He enumerated many reasons why I have anxiety:
- I ignored many warnings.
- I drink too much coffee.
- I ran way too much to a point that wasn't healthy anymore (half-marathons and full marathons). It became my job. I had lost my passion.
- I had too much on the go and I want to control everything.
I left extremely happy knowing the reason why this was happening to me. He also offered me good advice. 1) You can't control the rain. 2) 80% is good enough.
V. Medication and help
Never be ashamed of medication. It helps me with my daily tasks. I can probably stop taking it. I don't know. But why mess with a good thing. I'm happy. After meeting my psychiatrist, I met with a psychotherapist until my meds would actually help. It took a few weeks for my meds to work. That's how long I saw my psychotherapists. I felt good. Finally!
Never be ashamed of medication. It helps me with my daily tasks. I can probably stop taking it. I don't know. But why mess with a good thing. I'm happy. After meeting my psychiatrist, I met with a psychotherapist until my meds would actually help. It took a few weeks for my meds to work. That's how long I saw my psychotherapists. I felt good. Finally!
VI. My anxiety made me stronger
It took an anxiety attack to change. I no longer run more than 20 minutes at a time. I meditate. I garden. I try as many different training styles as possible. I go outside and play with my daughter. I'm more assertive. I learned to say no. I speak my mind more often (life's too short). I continuously try to learn more about myself. I know that I'm most happy when I'm in my Fortress of solitude (Superman reference). My family makes me happy. I feel a lot healthier. I am stronger (mentally).
It took an anxiety attack to change. I no longer run more than 20 minutes at a time. I meditate. I garden. I try as many different training styles as possible. I go outside and play with my daughter. I'm more assertive. I learned to say no. I speak my mind more often (life's too short). I continuously try to learn more about myself. I know that I'm most happy when I'm in my Fortress of solitude (Superman reference). My family makes me happy. I feel a lot healthier. I am stronger (mentally).
VII. What's next?
Being mindful. Train the brain. Enjoying the small things. Keep learning about my self. Improving. Staying healthy. Less tech. More nature. Being the best father, husband, son, brother and friend possible.
Being mindful. Train the brain. Enjoying the small things. Keep learning about my self. Improving. Staying healthy. Less tech. More nature. Being the best father, husband, son, brother and friend possible.
VIII. If anybody wants to talk, I'll be there for you.
