Part 1: Pre-anxiety attack no 2
In late 2019, I started feeling a shift in my energy level. Both Mél and Élo were extremely sick (to the point that we skipped Christmas). Laurence was just about 4 months old. Prior to the holidays, we had just finished writing a proposal that could have brought 600 000$ to my school board. We weren't chosen. I won't lie, it stung and it hurt my ego. I had also just finished my forest school practitioner course. Needless to say, I was definitely physically and mentally tired. I didn't get much of a chance to recharge during the holidays.
After a few weeks back at work, we went on strike (for the first time in my career and hopefully my last). My work routine was out the window. We could no longer work before or after school. Everything had to be done at home. I had gotten use to leaving my work at work after my first panic attack that sent me to the hospital. I work extremely hard during the day so that I can spend time with my girls after work. I couldn't do that anymore. That lasted for a few months until the pandemic hit. Luckily, the pandemic wasn't really hard for us at first. As an introvert, having time to myself recharges me.
Unfortunately, we didn't have much luck a few weeks after. Our basement flooded. Workers started working on the basement. They stripped the carpet and part of the wall. Workers were then forced to stop working. So we are in a pandemic, couldn't go anywhere with two kids and we had just lost our basement which is essentially the girls' play area. My stress level was getting more and more serious. Oh yes, our fridge also broke down and lost our food (twice!).
The remainder of the school year was also very stressful. We never knew if we were going back to work...the final decision kept getting prolonged (those of you with children probably remember those months). During summertime, we had no idea what September was going to look like. I'm a planner. I like to have an idea of what's going to happen in the future (more on that tomorrow).
When school finally started again, I was extremely stressed because of everything that previously happened on top of feeling anxious because of Covid-19. A few days in, I had my second panic attack at work. It was time to get help again.
Part 2: Seeking help
Last summer, I decided to seek help. I am getting a bit better at reading the signs for when I feel stressed and anxious. I reached out to my union's therapy program. It wasn't really what I was looking for. It can for sure help other people but it wasn't for me. The therapist was trying to change my thought patterns and kept asking what specifically was triggering my stress and anxiety. I just wasn't able to pin point what it was. The thing is, I knew what stressed me but she wanted me to verbalize a specific sentence that I say in my head. If I would of been able to do that, we would of then worked on that sentence and transform it into a positive. This type of approach didn't work very well for me because I internalize everything. This brain of mine is overloaded with information and to be able to focus on one thing feels like an impossible task. After three sessions I chose not to keep working with this therapist. Work was starting soon so I didn't have much time anyways.Like I said in part 1 of my post, I had my 2nd panic attack in late August. I decided to listen to my family doctor this time and take some time off. He suggested I find a psychotherapist to talk to. I found a wonderful therapist that used a mindfulness approach. We developed a great rapport. She helped me learn a lot about myself. After I explained my first panic attack and everything that has happened since then with work and life she said that I made her think of a ''guerrier épuisé''. She helped me realize that it's ok to feel what I am feeling. We don't always have to feel happiness and be peppy. What's important is to be able to observe our feelings in an objective way and then try to release that feeling...to not let it take complete control of your thoughts.
I felt good after my 6 weeks. I returned to work and then...
Part 3: My daughter's diagnosis
Laurence stopped progressing. I would like to say that it was around the 12 or 13 months mark. Everything I wrote in part 1 and part 2 now seem so pale in comparison. Not knowing how she will develop is definitely the hardest part and is causing me a great deal of anxiety. We ultimately had to find private services because it is taking too long through the public health system. We try to remain optimistic because there are so many success stories and both my wife and I have taught wonderful children who are on the spectrum that it gives us hope. It gives us hope that Laurence will also find her passion, make friends, and live a beautiful life.
Past posts:
Relearning To Say Yes
Relearning To Say Yes
